I'm leaving and I'm scared.

My job that I've been at for 1.5 years (which in the grand scheme of things is not very long). I'm not falling or hurting, but in the corner of my vision I see regret is creeping in slowly. I stab it with a knife and run ahead. I don't see it anymore though sometimes I feel something watching me, but when I turn around all I smell is a whiff of brimstone and I see nothing...nothing at all.

Like with anything, I plotted and schemed and wondered if it was going to happen and now it is. I am pleased as I've received some validation that I may be a competent human being in some regard. I am ready for the next chapter. I am scared. I am oh so scared and I know it's going to be hard, but somehow knowing that isn't making it easier

There is an art to being kind of a dick. HEAR ME OUT. You (well me) need to be a little bad sometimes to prevent the sort of bad that gets you arrested, yelled at by your mother or crying alone in a closet wondering where you went wrong.

Full disclosure: this post was sponsored in part by working a desk job. I was compensated for my work, but all opinions and words are my own.

THE CLASSIC FACEBOOK CONFUSION: I've pulled this from the book of things I've done

Pick a friend (preferably one with a sense of humor... or one that doesn't check their facebook too often) and post a congratulatory message. It can be anything from "Hey! HAPPY BIRTHDAY" to "Congrats on the baby! Excited to be the godmother?!?!".

Generally speaking, nothing terrible comes of it people are confused and you generally get a few laughs from the responses.

Random musings I've enjoyed reading:

Having a Mental Illness and being an Entrepreneur

My Grandma, the poisoner

Question I am pondering(still): How does Vitamin C actually help your immune response?

Have been reading some fic, but mostly old rereads... you have to love the classics, no?

I find that I have been trying to write for days, months and finally more than a year and nothing comes out. I am choking on the stilted words on a page. No sentence sounds rational or real can flow out of my hands. I wondered if I will ever go back to being what I was and wasn't.

I write some vignettes. There are no intermediates to hide that I am writing about me; no thinly veiled thoughts or situations wrapped in cliches and a character's face. Reflections. Mostly on how I feel shitty or if something triggered a particular memory. I think it helped, helps. I don't like reading them because they don't sound right... a disconnect between my hindbrain and forebrain. Now more than a year later people ask me if I'm okay and it IS better. It is SCARIER because I know how bad it can get and how hard it is to crawl out of a hole that you dug yourself. I'm sitting on the front steps at the mall watching my blood drip onto the white faux marble and I'm thinking that my head hurts, but I'm not crying and I'm taking a deep breath because I'm not sure that I'm not going to pass out even though I know I'm going to be fine. The kindness of strangers is a vastly underrated attribute. THANK YOU to the guy who let me sit and bleed in his fancy shop and then gave me free cigars. Thank you to all the strangers who when I was in need helped me out-- the guy who helped my carry my broken bike three blocks because it was way to heavy for me, the person who asked if I was okay when I wasn't, the friends who texted me to make sure I was okay, the list is impossibly long. Cheers to anyone who has seen me cry in public and given me a look of sympathy but not forced me to answer a question.

I wish I could say that everyday is normal now, closer to what I used to consider my baseline. That nowadays I never wake up wondering the value of moving forward, but it's not true. That sometimes I'm not paralyzed in fear or DISGUSTED at how incapable I seem to be at doing things. But that's not true. There are more good days than bad and sometimes when I feel shitty, he shakes me like you should never shake a baby and says "tell me about it" and I believe that things do pass--both good and bad. I don't know if I am stronger, wiser or smarter like other people who are all struggling to grow in this world, but I think I am more empathetic if nothing else. I have learned to depend on the kindness of strangers and to trust friends. And I have failed, I will fail again and I know it, but I also know that when at first you don't succeed, you should try try try again.

Things have sucked and don't get me wrong there are still some good things, but also many things that are a challenge. I have hit the point where I am tired of feeling the way that I do and I don't really know what to do to fix it. I think it's getting better, but also worse all at the same time. And I am hoping that by returning to "normal life" I will feel better.

So, I avoided the LJ for awhile in hopes that I could sort of put things straight, but life is rolling me (to steal a phrase from Anita Blake) and there isn't a point in avoiding things anymore. I don't think I'm going to wake up one day and have everything be fine.

♥

Hope everyone is doing well! I am glad to be back!

I've been trying to sit down and write a post on LJ for the last month but it's been... (well, writing anything( classwork, emails, etc.) a challenge.

I've been spending an increasing amount of time alone at work doing things and it has allowed for an unfortunate amount of self reflection and thinking leading to a jumble of intangible half-baked philosophies.

1. I challenged myself to not go to the grocery store and to instead finish all the things in my cupboard and refrigerator. It has been interesting. The most challenging part has been breakfast... I've had to improvise a bit. I made oatmilk (yes, you can milk oats) and homemade bread. Of the two, I have to say the bread was easy, tasted good, and kept me full for HOURS. The oatmilk experiment was okay. It was drinkable, but I didn't follow the recipe per se and ended up with something more along the lines of whipping cream consistency oatmilk which was not the best for cereal. Somehow I just am not sure that oats were meant to be milked.

2. Work has been challenging. That is all. I went on vacation but it was more of a tourist thing than a relax and chill thing! But it was fun, perhaps almost saw the queen of England but was checking a text message at the time...

3. I feel somewhat inspired to write/actually do things other than work with my life again. Hopefully this plays out well because I feel insane sometimes and I'm never quite sure why but I think it's because I never properly relax anymore.



Things I have been enjoying

For some straight-up solid writing and character development I would recommend jibralilis's Steve/Tony fic Through the Door. It's one of those pseudo-forced marriage fics where they have to get married to save ___(in this case Tony). I just straight up enjoyed jibralilis's writing and her Steve was true to his character. Also, both characters were pretty hot in their own way.

These temporary tattoos look cool for whatever reason! I am actually considering getting a pack just for some summer fun.

I kind of like this because it reminds me that some things work in the world for running a business (well, a small business at least). Also, apparently a great hostess gift! Also, very tempted just to order some for myself since I am constitutionally incapable (inept?) at making any sort of salad dressing for myself.

Day 3: Brushed my teeth with my feet

I won't put the picture up here because quite frankly it is ridiculous and somewhat scandalous. I do highly suggest you try it though.

Day 2: Today I tried to finish all my work



On my list of things:
1. LJ post
2. study for quiz tomorrow (annoying because it was supposed to be on Tue and so I have to restudy)
3. Read a 20 page paper for class Thursday morning. Thanks, but this is the one paper this entire semester that I don't think I'll read.
4. Finish term paper for class mentioned in 3. also due tomorrow (while nearly done needs some edits!)
5. Grade 20 freshman lab reports. Yes, I did this! It took some time...
6. Eat. Be sad as eating in a dining hall is so close, but not quite as satisfying as real food

While it didn't quite happen, it is getting there! Almost impossible.

In an effort to counter the suck that is sometimes life, I am starting a new series. It's called 5 Impossible things before dinner. Before dinner for the next 5 days I will attempt to do a seemingly impossible thing. Perhaps it will relate to fandom, perhaps it will not be.

Day 1: Propose to yourself



Enjoy my messy room!

i. I sort of feel like my mind has become a sieve. My job is part publicist part bureaucrat and no lie, I really just want to do homework.

It's sad when your idea of a lovely evening is when you just have time to do all the homework you would like to do.

Also, last week I rediscovered the internet. I can't even tell you how much better my life has become... I have no idea why but between the immense pressure for work, friends, research, TAing, school, jobs etc (everyone has their own list, right?) I constantly felt like I was on the verge of tears.

Somehow setting aside some time and reading whether is fanfiction or the news (real books have not really come into my life yet... I have a problem putting them down and far too much work!!), but it feels nice to read something non-technical and just let yourself feel? I don't know, it's been a weird time lately.

Let me tell you about these times:
1. I went to a mandatory diversity training wherein the lecturer told the audience they were bad people for celebrating Christmas. As someone who is not Christian even I found it offensive because I'm more of a do what makes you and your family happy person. At the end the lecturer then told us that he was "disappointed in us" for not understanding the point of his talk. For future note,telling people how much they suck is a GREAT way to make people defensive.

2. I am holding a Festival of Meats this weekend as a celebration of my only slightly slightly sketchy food blog (bad photography and recipes from people ranging from strippers to pHd's! It's actually been a very interesting time and I really want to do more with it over breaks). I am also hoping to get a slightly more powerful camera because the city where I live is notoriously cloudy and I like natural light!

3. I am looking for things to do when I graduate next year. So far my list looks like this:
Seemingly impossible: Find job I like and will hire me
Probable: Crying
Perhaps: Finding a decent position doing something I am interested in

4. Someone attempting to bribe me with $1. I kid you not.

5. Discovered that on Abraham Lincoln's wedding day someone asked him where he was going all fancied up and his response was "To hell, I suppose." I don't know why, but the idea of this makes me laugh:)

ii. I read Brain, Tongue, and Heart by screamlet| R | Pepper/Tony/Bruce

Just a lovely quieter fic about feeling restless and having people around you. Funny, touching and weirdly serious all at the same time. I acknowledge that I tend to enjoy different fics based on what mood I'm in and I think I appreciate the human-ness of this fic. People (even supreme awesome people) make mistakes and you deal with them.

I don't know, I'm in a weird mood.

ii. John Green has a youtube channel that I find weirdly hypnotizing (it's great background when you have work to do!). His stories are often hilarious and at the same time has enough depth to it, I don't feel like my brain is rotting!

This story makes me laugh and it's cute and whatnot:) Also, it's great that he plays FIFA while talking about this stuff.

iii. I really have been enjoying Cup of Jo! Her blog is a mix of everything and somehow it just works for whatever mood I'm in :)

iii. Hope everyone is doing well :) ♥

Now to do work and read more nonsense (probably about visual system processing!)

Hey... I wrote fic for reversathon! And I am eve somewhat proud of this fic because it has some marginal plot!

Blood Quantum by shadowclub
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Percy/Oliver, Percy/The Ministry
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 11,709
Warnings: Follows co-currently with books 4-7. Mentions of character death, horrible times.
Summary: The rise and decline of Percy Weasley in the Ministry; a love story of sorts. A dark comedy of sorts. Written for tryslora!

And I received a lovely, lovely fic from reddwarfer. There are politics! And semi-forced marriages that work out! AND very well done supporting characters! I was very lucky and I got something that I really wanted in this fest :)

An Advanced Course In Web Spinning
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Harry Potter/Narcissa Black, background Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 11,658
Warnings: Ignores the epilogue completely.
Summary: With the weight of Wizarding World on Harry's shoulders, he needs to find someone willing to help him sort through it all. Help comes from the most unlikely person, in the most unlikely way.